


The Couch

by Blackghost7



Category: NCIS
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, Insecure Tony, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 11:54:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3380558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackghost7/pseuds/Blackghost7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Why am I never good enough?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Couch

   
Life was good! He looked at his lover with a smile as Gibbs absentmindedly kept rubbing his thumb over the sole of one of his feet while the older man was watching a game on TV. They sat on the couch together, Gibbs’ feet up on the coffee table, and he himself turned sideways so he could keep the contact with his lover by resting his feet in his lap, ostensibly also watching the game, but in reality just basking in the glow of being here like this with Gibbs. He adored how tactile his lover was, always touching him in some small way, but it shouldn’t have been a surprise to him. One of the first things he had learned about Gibbs was that he loved working with his hands, and those hands simply always had to be in contact with something. The crackling of the flames in the fireplace provided a soft ambient background sound to the game and exuded warmth on this cold evening, the scent of the steaks his lover had grilled for them over the fire earlier still gently lingering in the air. He contemplated for a moment scooting over and kissing Gibbs, seducing him into going upstairs and starting their night together early, but anticipation was half the fun, and he knew his lover would not disappoint later tonight. They had not yet slept together, only shared kisses and a couple of messy hand jobs, but tonight he was going to make sure he was staying over and knew that it would finally happen.  
   
He still couldn’t really believe this tough marine was interested in him. He knew he looked good, muscular chest and strong body, light brown hair carefully styled and sparkling green eyes, but Gibbs was in a league of his own, a silver fox and just his type. He’d been eyeing the man in desire for a while now, and still smiled at the memory of how they got together. A couple of weeks ago they were both getting coffee at their regular place, and he had accidentally bumped into Gibbs, spilling the man’s beverage. And if there was one thing he knew about Gibbs, it was that the man existed on coffee, so he knew this wouldn’t be good. Sure enough, Gibbs had started growling at him at once, his tone quiet but menacing as he started to verbally tear into him. But all he could do was stare at the combination of fire and ice shooting from Gibbs’ eyes during the tirade, the words passing him by completely, and then he just had to smile at the beauty of this man in front of him. That seemed to silence Gibbs, and the older man stared at him icily, then got an appreciative glance in his eyes and one corner of his mouth quirked up minutely. He had of course immediately offered to get Gibbs another cup, and they had talked for a while, well, Gibbs had grunted every now and then while he himself had flirted with the man outrageously. When about ten minutes later Gibbs said it was time to go, he had taken a chance and kissed Gibbs. Gibbs had been surprised, but had responded lightly, and when he had pulled back he had asked Gibbs to meet him at the coffee place again the following day. Gibbs had stared at him a few moments, then given a small nod before he turned and walked away. The next day, he had been anxiously waiting for Gibbs at the agreed time, and had been relieved and pleased when the silver haired man actually showed up. That had been a few weeks ago, and they had met a couple of times since then outside the Yard, meeting at his favorite bar a number of times, sharing kisses and the aforementioned hand jobs in his car and even in the alley behind the bar once, before he finally got Gibbs to agree to come to his apartment. He had hoped to get Gibbs to fuck him there, but the older man had held back and left again half an hour later or so, leaving him disappointed, but with the promise to meet him again at the bar a few days later. And now here he was at Gibbs’ house, fully intending to stay the night.  
   
The sound of the front door opening made Gibbs look to the hall, and when a voice called out “Gibbs?”, the silver haired man’s thumb abruptly stopped moving, seeming to freeze. A few footsteps were heard in the hall before a man appeared around the corner, faltering mid-stride when he saw the two of them on the couch. The new arrival studied them for a moment, his cheeks first flushing pink, then the man’s eyes widened and his face turned pale and ashen. He stared at them another couple of seconds, then abruptly turned and fled the house. Gibbs jumped up from the couch, nearly dumping him on the floor with the sudden move, and yelled after the fleeing man.  
   
“Wait! Come back! Tony! Wait, Tony!”  
   
*****  
   
Damnit! What was Tony doing here tonight? And why wouldn’t he stop when Gibbs called after him? Gibbs stood in the open doorway, staring after Tony’s car careening out of his driveway and onto the street in breakneck speed, fleeing away from Gibbs. The expression on Tony’s face flashed before Gibbs’ eyes, and he cursed himself profusely, then gave a deep sigh. Reluctantly going back inside and closing the door, Gibbs’ mind turned to the man still on his sofa, and he gave another sigh. He’d known it was a mistake from the beginning, but the man had reminded him so much of Tony, both in looks and demeanor, that he hadn’t been able to resist. The way the man had smiled under Gibbs’ verbal onslaught when he’d spilled Gibbs’ coffee had brought to mind the way Tony just smiled at him whenever Gibbs was being unreasonable, and the way he had flirted with Gibbs had been so reminiscent of those early days when Tony had just joined NCIS and had been testing Gibbs’ boundaries, the young and exuberant Tony that Gibbs missed sometimes, that he had found himself smiling back at the man and wanting to spend some more time with him. When the young man had kissed him after that first meeting, he had closed his eyes and pretended to himself that it was Tony who was kissing him, and for a moment he had felt the thrill of all his fantasies come true. In a moment of weakness, he had agreed to meet the man again the next day.  
   
The following day he had his doubts as he was walking over to the coffee place, but as soon as he laid eyes on the young man, he saw reflections of Tony again and felt his heart flutter in his chest. He had enjoyed talking to him a little more and had agreed to meet him at some sports bar a few days later. That evening in the bar he had known for certain that this was a mistake. As he listened to the young man talk, he noted the voice was different to Tony’s, not as deep and husky, and it started to grate on his nerves, so he shut him up with a kiss. Every time Gibbs started to get annoyed with that different voice coming out of what was essentially Tony’s face, Gibbs quietened him with another kiss so he could perpetuate the fantasy. And when he did allow the young man to speak, he noticed more differences. Where Tony was funny and witty and his voice was filled with wonder sometimes despite all he had seen and done, this young man sounded more jaded and sarcastic. Where Tony was joyful and upbeat, this young man was calculating and cajoling. Gibbs had cut the evening short, saying he had to be at work early the next day, but as they were leaving the young man had embraced him and started rubbing him, and Gibbs’ mind automatically superimposed the picture of Tony onto this young man wanting him, and he had let the fantasy play out despite himself.  
   
For the past few weeks, Gibbs had given in to his weakness far more than was to his liking, but his mind kept playing tricks on him, kept persuading him to pretend it was Tony who was with him, and for a few moments, Gibbs let himself be swept up in it. The evening the young man had coaxed Gibbs into coming to his apartment, he knew what the young man wanted, and Gibbs had let himself think that he could go through with it. But as soon as he was there, Gibbs noted the differences between this apartment and Tony’s, and it just underlined what he already knew. This was not Tony, and not what Gibbs really wanted. Gibbs had left after a few more kisses, and resolved not to see the young man anymore, but the boy had been persistent, and Gibbs, to his own shame and horror, had been weak. So he had agreed to meet him once more, and this evening he had taken the young man to his home, hoping that the familiar setting would allow him to pretend it was Tony after all. But even before he had put the steaks on the fire to grill, Gibbs had regretted his decision.  
   
And then Tony had walked in. Gibbs cursed himself again. Turning back to the living room, Gibbs knew he had to end this once and for all.  
   
*****  
   
Tony’s mind was reeling as he sped away from Gibbs’ place. He’d been restless and unsettled for a few weeks now, had too many thoughts spinning through his mind, and he knew the only thing that would calm him was the silent and steadfast presence of his boss. And even though he hadn’t been to the basement for a while now, he knew his boss wouldn’t mind him coming over and joining him there while Gibbs worked. Perhaps it was exactly because Tony hadn’t been there for a while that he was feeling edgy and tense, maybe he had been away from the basement too long and it was catching up with him now. He had deliberately stayed away, trying to find out whether he could do without Gibbs outside of work, but it seemed to be backfiring on him now. Tony always came away from an evening in the basement calmer and more composed, but hurting a little that it was over again and he had to leave. He wanted nothing more than to stay with Gibbs, spend the night, spend eternity, but Gibbs never gave any indication that he might be interested in that as well, so Tony made due with these lone evenings every now and then, letting them feed his need to feel closer to Gibbs, making them tide him over until the next time Gibbs allowed him a closer glimpse of himself.  
   
Tony lived for the little moments when Gibbs shared something of himself with him, loving that he was the one Gibbs felt comfortable showing something of his true self to, even if he had long since concluded that Gibbs would never see him as more than a friend. In the sparse comments Gibbs gave during an evening in the basement in response to Tony’s chatter, Gibbs had revealed some things about himself that Tony knew no one else knew, about his past, about his family, about his girls. And with each and every tidbit Tony coaxed out of Gibbs, Tony loved him a little more. Tony had tried flirting with the man in the beginning, trying to see whether there was anything there that could lead to something more between them, but never got any sign that Gibbs might lean that way, so Tony had long since put his feelings for the man on ice and tried to see him as just a friend. It was difficult, but at last he had succeeded. Or so he thought. Because what he had seen this evening had shaken Tony to his core.  
   
When Tony walked into the house and heard the sounds of a game, he smiled to himself. No basement tonight then, but watching a game over a couple of beers was almost just as good. He called out Gibbs’ name, but got no reply, not that he had really expected one. Stepping into the living room though, he saw Gibbs wasn’t alone. There was another man there, and he had his feet in Gibbs’ lap, telling Tony clearly that this was not just a friend. Embarrassed at apparently interrupting something, Tony felt his cheeks flush pink with a blush. Then something registered. It was a man. There was a man on Gibbs’ couch with him, who was clearly more than a friend. Gibbs was with a man. Eyes widening, Tony focused on them again, studying this man who apparently had something that made Gibbs want him. Tony took in the features and body of the man who could tempt Gibbs, and his breath left him in an instant. It was like looking in a mirror. The guy looked just like Tony himself. Gibbs was interested in a man who looked exactly like Tony. So why wouldn’t Gibbs want Tony? What was wrong with Tony that Gibbs would want this guy who looked so much like him, but not Tony himself? Not good enough again, DiNozzo, story of your life. Tony felt the blood draining from his face. Holding on to his last shreds of sanity before he would fall apart, Tony turned and fled.  
   
*****  
   
Annoyed at the interruption of what was supposed to be THEIR evening, he waited impatiently for Gibbs to return. Who had that guy been anyway, barging in as if he belonged here, in Gibbs’ house, as if he had every right to be here? And why had Gibbs reacted to the guy the way he had, leaving him alone and rushing after the guy as if the guy were more important than him? A former lover maybe? The guy had been attractive, if you discounted the ashen pallor of his face as he was leaving, but if the guy was indeed a former lover, he guessed that could be explained by being confronted with his replacement. But surely he himself was far more desirable than that guy? So why had Gibbs rushed after him?  
   
His eyes lit up with both pleasure and annoyance when Gibbs rounded the corner into the living room again, and he stood to walk over to Gibbs and resume their evening, still fully intending to finally get Gibbs to take him to his bed, but he knew something was wrong when Gibbs leaned against the wall next to the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, closing himself off. He approached Gibbs nonetheless, and leaned in to kiss him, but Gibbs turned his head away and glared at him.  
   
“What’s wrong?”  
   
“You need to leave. Now.”  
   
He heard the finality in Gibbs’ voice, and felt an angry blush rise on his cheeks. This was not happening. That guy blundering in here was not going to ruin his chance to get this hot marine to take him! It had been all he wanted for weeks now, ever since he first spotted Gibbs in the coffee place, had made it his goal to get Gibbs inside of him. He had been boasting to his friends about the tough silver fox who was so taken with him, and was not going to be embarrassed by being refused now. He smiled to himself. Gibbs had been reluctant before, but he had always gotten Gibbs to do what he wanted. He knew he had some hold over Gibbs, even if he didn’t know exactly what it was, but if the past few weeks had proven anything, it was that if he touched Gibbs, the older man would relent and give him what he wanted. So he reached out his hand to caress Gibbs’ cheek.  
   
The movement of Gibbs’ arm was so swift, it was almost a blur, and it only registered fully what had happened when he found himself on his knees, back turned to Gibbs, and his arm twisted up behind him, wrist in a tight and painful hold. Gibbs’ voice was menacing in his ear, a soft purr that held far more threat than a shout ever could.  
   
“I told you to leave.”  
   
Now he was getting scared. Maybe this marine was more than he’d bargained for after all. He didn’t know what was going on exactly, but he decided he was suddenly completely over his fascination with the tough older man, maybe he should stick to the pretty boys that had been his playthings until now after all.  
   
“Alright! Alright! I’m going! Just let me go!”  
   
His shouts were almost desperate. He sighed a breath of relief when his arm was released and he scrambled to his feet, grabbing his shoes and coat and running out the door without putting them on in his haste to escape. If this was how Gibbs really was, the guy who’d interrupted them could have him! He never wanted to see either one of them again.  
   
*****  
   
Gibbs rubbed both hands over his face as he stood in the hallway, then closed the door behind the fleeing younger man. Great. Now he’d made two men run away from him in a matter of minutes. But while he was glad he’d gotten rid of the second man, his heart clenched when he thought of Tony fleeing from him. The expression on Tony’s face had cut through his soul, so hurt and disappointed, betrayed even, and he tried to make sense of it. Pouring himself a healthy glass of bourbon, Gibbs settled back on the couch and turned off the television. He needed to think.  
   
The disappointment on Tony’s face could be explained by Tony simply being upset that Gibbs had had company while Tony needed to talk to Gibbs. But if there was something bothering Tony, surely he knew that Gibbs would always make time for him? And no matter from which angle he looked at it, Gibbs just couldn’t explain the hurt or the betrayal he’d seen in Tony’s eyes. Unless it was that Tony had a problem with Gibbs being with a man. Tony was a consummate ladies’ man after all, and Gibbs knew that he himself gave that impression as well. So maybe Tony felt betrayed by the fact that Gibbs wasn’t what Tony had thought he was, even though Tony had never given the impression that he had issues with gay or bisexual people. It must have been a shock to Tony to suddenly find out something like this in a pretty confrontational way, when he wasn’t prepared for it. But Gibbs wasn’t going to apologize for anything, and if Tony had a problem with this, he’d better come right out and say it. Gibbs felt himself getting belligerent at the thought, and took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. Before he could decide on a course of action, he needed to get a feel for exactly what Tony’s problem with this was. He’d see how Tony responded at the office in the morning.  
   
*****  
   
The following weeks an icy silence hung in the bullpen. McGee and Ziva knew something was going on between Gibbs and Tony, but had no idea what it was and were shot down by Tony every time they even got close to asking him about it. No one dared ask Gibbs, of course. Gibbs watched Tony, trying to find out his thoughts, trying to figure out what was going on in that beautiful head of his, but was getting nowhere. Tony threw Gibbs these looks sometimes when he thought the older man wouldn’t see, and every time he did, Gibbs clearly saw the hurt and betrayal there that he had seen that fateful night as well. He had hoped Tony would give him a hint, would show up at his place, would confront him, but Tony never did. Gibbs even ordered him into the elevator once and, after flipping the emergency stop switch, got in Tony’s face, demanding the younger man tell him what was wrong, but Tony just looked away sullenly, pain in his eyes, and kept his mouth shut.  
   
After weeks of this, Gibbs was getting more and more angry. He’d never purported to be an example, and if Tony had seen him as such and was now disappointed in him, that was Tony’s problem. But his glum behavior was affecting the team, and Gibbs simply wouldn’t stand for that. At last, he decided to end this once and for all.  
   
Late that Friday morning the team had set out to interview witnesses, finishing up the loose ends of their case, and McGee and Ziva had taken one car, while Gibbs deliberately had Tony join him in the other. With orders from Gibbs to finish the interviews on their list and go home after, and that their reports could wait until Monday morning, McGee and Ziva were glad to be away from the bullpen and the oppressive atmosphere that hung there, and they spent the afternoon in good natured camaraderie doing their jobs. Calling in with Gibbs in the late afternoon to give him an update, they were glad to be released and start their weekend. Tony ignored Gibbs the entire day, staring out the window while Gibbs drove them from one interview to the other, glaring at the trees and bushes and even the air that passed by his window, at anything that caught his eye. Last interview finally done, Gibbs drove them to his house.  
   
Tony started fidgeting as soon as he realized the route Gibbs was taking and where it would lead them, but refused to speak, refused to ask what Gibbs thought he was doing, refused to demand to be taken back to the Yard. Parking the car in his driveway, Gibbs shut off the engine and took the car keys with him when he went into the house, leaving the front door open as a clear order for Tony to follow him. Angry at the presumption of the older man, Tony sat in the passenger seat for minutes longer, fuming for a while, then calmed down when he realized that maybe it was better this way. Maybe he should just tell Gibbs what he was feeling and then this would be over. He could start looking for another job over the weekend. The by now familiar pain settled in his heart again, and he got out of the car and into the house quietly, finding Gibbs on the couch, two opened beers on the coffee table in front of him. Tony looked at the hated couch, the couch his dreams had been dashed on, and grabbed one of the bottles before sitting on the edge of the recliner instead. They drank in silence until both had finished their beers, and Gibbs got up to get them more. When Gibbs sat down again, he just threw the question out there.  
   
“So, is it the fact you found out I like men as well as women that you have a problem with?”  
   
Tony looked up at him incredulously, but didn’t answer. Gibbs sighed and leaned back against the couch cushions, resting his head back and closing his eyes to slits, keeping his gaze on Tony through his eyelashes as he spoke further.  
   
“Still the same man that you’ve know all these years, you know. Nothing different about me. Never thought you’d have a problem with it, little disappointed really. Thought you were more open minded. It doesn’t influence who I am or how I work. So I like a guy sometimes, doesn’t make a difference to how I treat you.”  
   
A hurt look crossed over Tony’s face, accompanied by a pained little squeak in the back of Tony’s throat. That got Gibbs’ attention, and he widened his eyes to take a good look at Tony. Fidgeting under the scrutinizing gaze, Tony whispered his response, his eyes everywhere except on Gibbs.  
   
“Am I just not good enough, Gibbs? All I want is for someone to think that I might be worth taking a chance on, for once.”  
   
Gibbs’ eyes widened further at those words laced with pain and dejection. He studied the younger man carefully.  
   
“Tony?”  
   
Taking a deep breath, Tony let the floodgates open.  
   
“Yeah, it was a surprise, seeing you with a guy. I’d never thought you would be interested in that. I’d hoped, but you never showed any indication, so I put my feelings away. And then I come here and see you with this guy, and it’s clearly more than friendship. And then I take a look at the guy, and he’s like the spitting image of me. Except you’re here with him and not with me, so there must be something about him that you like better than me. So again there must be something about me that’s not good enough. Too annoying probably, too juvenile? Whatever. Only thing that matters is, the guy could be my twin, but you chose him over me, so he must be better than me, more appealing. And all I ever wanted was your approval and for you to look at me and be proud of me for once, and that would have been enough. But I don’t even get that anymore, and then there’s this stranger who gets to hold you and kiss you and he looks just like me but he isn’t me and why am I never good enough?”  
   
Gibbs’ breath caught in his throat at hearing the desolation in Tony’s voice, at the sudden understanding of what was really bothering Tony. The younger man’s eyes were glued to the floor at his feet, and Gibbs quietly put down his beer and got up, sinking to his knees in front of Tony moments later. He tried to catch Tony’s eyes, but the younger man refused to look at him. Finally Gibbs put his fingers under Tony’s chin and raised his face, forcing him to look up. Staring into Tony’s eyes intently, Gibbs spoke, his voice gruff.  
   
“I am always proud of you, Tony.”  
   
As Tony searched Gibbs’ eyes, the desperation was slowly replaced with a questioning look.  
   
“I always was, and I always will be. That guy… you’ve got it the wrong way around. I… I am a stupid old bastard, Tony.”  
   
The question turned into a look of surprise.  
   
“He looked so much like you, and I thought… I thought if I couldn’t have you, he’d be the next best thing. But he wasn’t you, Tony, and I hated him for it.”  
   
Tony’s eyes flickered from Gibbs’ eyes to his lips and back, trying to let the words sink, but distracted by Gibbs’ nearness. Slowly, Tony leaned in and, keeping his eyes on Gibbs’, tentatively pressed his lips to Gibbs’ mouth. As soon as their lips met, Gibbs let out a deep breath through his nose, then breathed in again slowly, pulling back a little, then starting to nibble on Tony’s lips. For long minutes, they explored each other, their lips the only parts of their bodies that touched, eyes sliding closed after that first tentative touch. When at last Gibbs pulled back, he saw a blush creep up Tony’s cheeks, and he smiled.  
   
“What’s that blush for?”  
   
“You’re proud of me?”  
   
“Always.”  
   
“You want me?”  
   
“Desperately.”  
   
“But I…”  
   
Gibbs interrupted the younger man, placing both hands against Tony’s cheeks to keep his face up and their eyes on each other.  
   
“Tony, I never ever want to hear you talk like that about yourself again. You’re smart and funny and beautiful, and I can’t imagine anyone not wanting you. I certainly do.”  
   
Taking one of Tony’s hands in his, Gibbs slid their interlaced fingers down his belly until Tony could feel his hardness. Tony’s eyes widened in surprise, and his voice was breathless.  
   
“You really do want me?!”  
   
Gibbs grunted in affirmation, the grunt turning into a groan when Tony’s cheeky fingers squeezed his hardness lightly. The smile that appeared on Tony’s face at Gibbs’ reaction was radiant, and Gibbs sucked in a breath, just in time before Tony’s lips descended on his again, this time for a deep and deliberate kiss that lasted long, long minutes. When Gibbs at last pulled back, he winced when he got up off his knees, but held out his hand for Tony, pulling him up. But when Gibbs tried to get him onto the couch, Tony refused, and after a quick glance from Tony’s face to the couch and back, Gibbs nodded in understanding, and took Tony upstairs to the bedroom instead.  
   
*****  
   
In the morning, Tony woke up in the arms of his lover, a contented smile on his face. They had made love several times during the night, and in between they had talked. He smiled ruefully. A lot of these misunderstandings could have been avoided if only they had talked sooner, years ago, but he quickly shook that thought off. They were here now, that was what mattered. After waking Gibbs with a kiss, they went downstairs, where Tony glowered at the offending couch, unable to get the picture of Gibbs with the other man on that couch out of his head. Catching the scowl on his lover’s face, Gibbs laughed, and after breakfast, they went to the furniture store and Gibbs let Tony choose a new sofa, to be delivered that very same afternoon.  
 


End file.
